Jokes for Today

Ladies hostel caught Fire. It took 1 hour to bring the fire under control and another 3 hours to bring the firemen under control.
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Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S ???

Because the people started licking the wrong side!

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Nobody is ever satisfied, Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead!

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Man to wife on wedding night- "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?'
"Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!'

Taking Smoking to the next level

This is actually on-the-ceiling poster in the smoking room at an IT firm in mumbai, India.

Scenes from Africa

Corporate Culture

A conference (Meeting) is a gathering of important people who individually can't do anything but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---God, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Coincidence photography !!

World's First T20 Champions:India

Thoughts at the Last Moment

Strange Calculation

Here is a small mathematical exercise, that will certainly give everyone a surprise!

This will take approximately 30 seconds.

Don’t go to the end before you have done all the calculations. Get your calculators ready!!


Firstly, decide how many times per week you would like to visit a restuarant for dinner.

2. Multiply the number by 2

3. Add 5

4. Multiply by 50 .

5. If your birthday has passed for this year add 1757 alternatively add 1756 if it has not yet passed.

6. Last Calculation:

Subtract the year you were born in.
(eg.: 1941, 1973, etc.).



Your total in now a three digit number.


The first of the three digits:

Is the number of times per week your would like to go out for dinner.


Now for the coolest!!!

The last two digits tells you …


YOUR AGE !!!!!!
2007 IS THE ONLY YEAR THIS CALCULATION WILL WORK IN SO SEND IT TO YOUR FRIENDS BEFORE THE END OF THE YEAR !

Predictions do come true

Kalam's word became true day before yesterday… u know what he had said:
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INDIA WILL BECOME SUPER POWER IN 20 20

Coolest doubt in Mahabharat

In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the

Mahabharat katha to class 6 students.

He is at the krishnajanma' part of it. Masterji:
"Kansa heard the

akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill
him.

He was furious. He ordered to put vasudev n devki
behind the bars.

First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning...


Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain
peak. Third one

is born." Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts
up his hand.

Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)


Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt
in Mahabharata

then how come u have one?"

Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child
was going to

kill

him,

WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME
CELL ??

Leave Applications

· Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

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· This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days..."

---------------------------------

· Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."

---------------------------------

· From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

---------------------------------

· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

---------------------------------

· An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

---------------------------------

· A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

---------------------------------

· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

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· Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

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· Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

---------------------------------

· Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

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· Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

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· A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

The Sales Call !!!!!!!!!!!!

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church . if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed." Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's prayer to all catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible.
For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is essential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord ................but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread'
to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please, please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news .....
The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church will get $ 500 million."

"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"Sadly" says the Pope ,
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.
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.
We would have to lose the Britannia Account...........................

Love A Way of Life

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

One my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Pak-American Comedy

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:
"I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."
============ ========= ========= ========= =====




Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that..
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
============ ========= ========= ========= ====




A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:
"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog

Heights of Intelligence

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of
her students.
The teacher asked, "Boy, what is your problem?"



Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"



Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office. While Boy
waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what
the situation was.



The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.



Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy: "9".



Principal! : "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy: "36".



And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy.
can go to the third-grade."



Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I
ask him?"

The principal and Boy, both agree.



Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy:, after a moment "Legs."



Ms Nee lam:

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets."



Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut



Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Boy. was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum



Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer...

Boy: Shake hands



Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy: Yep.



Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent



Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala
Vodka peg.

Boy: Wedding Ring



Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose



Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow



Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat and excitement?

Boy: Firetruck



Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it
u have to use ur hand.

Boy: Fork



Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?

Boy: SURNAME



Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?

Boy: HEART.



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,



"Send this Boy to IIM Ahmedabad, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"

Life is Simple

IF 1 = 5

2 = 25

3 = 125

4 = 625

5 = ?


Please think twice before scrolling

.........










....................














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Answer = 1


REMEMBER THE FIRST LINE .

1 = 5 .


MORAL OF THE PROBLEM :

DONT COMPLICATE SIMPLE PROBLEMS IN LIFE

Hope it Never Happens to you

TO MY DEAR WIFE:During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:54 times the sheets were clean17 times it was too late49 times you were too tired20 times it was too hot15 times you pretended to be sleep22 times you had a headache17 times you were afraid of waking the baby16 times you said you were too sore12 times it was the wrong time of the month19 times you had to get up early9 times you said weren't in the mood7 times you were sunburned6 times you were watching the late show5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo3 times you said the neighbors would hear us9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:6 times you just lay there8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move KEEP READING....... TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat36 times you did not come home at all21 times you didn't cum33 times you came too soon19 times you went soft before you got in38 times you worked too late10 times you got cramps in your toes29 times you had to get up early to play golf2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls4 times you got it stuck in your zipper3 times you had a cold and your nose was running2 times you had a splinter in your finger20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book98 times you were too busy watching TV Of the times we did get together, The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Journey from College to Office

Career Song - The 8 stages

1. when in college : Hum honge kaamiyaab, Hum honge kaam iyaab ek din.....

2. when giving interview to Multi National Company: Tu hi re.. Too hi re ....tere binaaa main kaise jiyunn....

3. waiting for interview result: Intehaa ho gai Intzaarki.. aayinaaa kuch khabar mere yaarki ...

4. just joined: Too cheez badi hai mast mast.....

5. after some time: Ye kahaan aa gaye hum??

6. After some more time: Naa koyi umang hai, naa koyi tarang hai, meri jindagi ek kati Pathang hai (booohoooo)

7. floating the resume: kabootar ja ja ja... kabootar ja ja ja... pehele pyar ki peheli chitthi...

8. finally when you don't get a better offer any longer:

Jeena Yehaan,

marna Yehaan iske

siwa Jaana

Kahaa..!!

Sad PJs

Teacher : why are majority of south Indians are dark in color?

Student: Because they watch Sun TV, Surya TV, Udaya TV without applying sunscreen lotion........
========= ========= ========= ========= ===================

Teacher to Sardar " Where were U born?


Sardar : In Tiruvanantapuram.

Teacher : Spell it?

Sardar : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.

========= ========= ========= ========= ===================
Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"

Banta : How do you know??

Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have came again..
============ ========= ========= ========= =========
Sardar complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.

Police : How the thief did not take TV???

Sardar : I was watching TV na....

============ ========= ========= ========= =========
Thought for the Day!!!

If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?

Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM
============ ========= ========= ========= =========
Tihar Jail ordered 999 Shirts and 1000 Pants for its inmates. Tell why this odd combination?

Answer : Bcos SALMAN KHAN is coming and He hardly wear SHIRTs!!!

============ ========= ========= ========= =========
Do you know the similarity between "Dinasaurs" & "Decent Girls"

Answer: Both dont exist on earth !!!

============ ========= ========= ========= =========
When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?

Answer : On their Wedding !!

============ ========= ========= ========= =========
Whats the height of Intelligence?

Answer : A 99 year old Sardar going for HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme ...

Why is India in trouble!!!!!!!!!

Population: 100 crore
9 crore retired
30 crore in state Govt
17 crore in central Govt
(Both Categoy dont work)
1 crore IT professional (dont work for India )
25 crore in school
1 crore r under 5 years
15 crore unemployed
1.2 crore u can find anytime in hospitals
Statistics says u find 79,99,998 people anytime in jail







Rest two are U & I.



you are busy " checking Mails /sending fwds.. "..!!



HOW CAN I HANDLE INDIA alone?

Did You Know?

Letters 'a', 'b', 'c' & 'd' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 99
(Letter 'd' comes for the first time in Hundred)

Letters 'a', 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999
(Letter 'a' comes for the first time in Thousand)

Letters 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999,999,999
Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion)

And

Letter 'c' does not appear anywhere in the spellings of entire English Counting

Thats Life

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello,

could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner

and I think I may be in with a chance!"



The pharmacist gives him the condom and the young man leaves. He soon

returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister

is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner

when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."



The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he

turns back and says,"Go on, give me one more condom because my

girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always

makes eyes, an d since she invited me for dinner, think she is expecting

me to make a move!



During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,

the sister on his right and the mum facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,



"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us."

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your

kindness."



Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.



The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more

surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his

ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."



The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

Is it Worth It????

WRITTEN BY AN INDIAN SOFTWARE
ENGINEER..- A Bitter Reality

As the dream of most parents I had acquired a degree in Software
Engineering and joined a company based in USA , the land of braves and
opportunity.
When I arrived in the USA , it was as if a dream had come true.

Here at last I was in the place where I want to be. I decided I would
be staying in this country for about Five years in which time would
have earned enough money to settle down in India .

My father was a government employee and after his retirement, the only
asset he could acquire was a decent one bedroom flat.

I wanted to do something more than him. I started feeling homesick and
lonely as the time passed. I used to call home and speak to my parents
every week using cheap international phone cards. Two years passed,
two years of Burgers at McDonald's and pizzas and discos and 2 years
watching the foreign exchange rate getting happy whenever the Rupee
value went down.

Finally I decided to get married. Told my parents that I have only 10
days of holidays and everything must be done within these 10 days. I
got my ticket booked in the cheapest flight. Was jubilant and was
actually enjoying hopping for gifts for all my friends back home. If I
miss anyone then there will be talks. After reaching home I spent home
one week going through all the photographs of girls and as the time
was getting shorter I was forced to select one candidate.

In-laws told me, to my surprise, that I would have to get married in
2-3 days, as I will not get anymore holidays. After the marriage, it
was time to return to USA , after giving some money to my parents and
telling the neighbors to look after them, we returned to USA .

My wife enjoyed this country for about two months and then she started
feeling lonely. The frequency of calling India increased to twice in a
week sometimes 3 times a week. Our savings started diminishing.
After two more years we started to have kids. Two lovely kids, a boy
and a girl, were gifted to us by the almighty. Every time I spoke to
my parents, they asked me to come to India so that they can see their
grand-children.

Every year I decide to go to India ... But part work part monetary
conditions prevented it. Years went by and visiting India was a
distant dream. Then suddenly one day I got a message that my parents
were seriously sick. I tried but I couldn't get any holidays and thus
could not go to India ... The next message I got was my parents had
passed away and as there was no one to do the last rites the society
members had done whatever they could. I was depressed. My parents had
passed away without seeing their grand children.

After couple more years passed away, much to my children's dislike and
my wife's joy we returned to India to settle down. I started to look
for a suitable property, but to my dismay my savings were short and
the property prices had gone up during all these years. I had to
return to the USA ...

My wife refused to come back with me and my children refused to stay
in India ... My 2 children and I returned to USA after promising my
wife I would be back for good after two years.

Time passed by, my daughter decided to get married to an American and
my son was happy living in USA ... I decided that had enough and
wound-up everything and returned to India .. I had just enough money
to buy a decent 02 bedroom flat in a well-developed locality.

Now I am 60 years old and the only time I go out of the flat is for
the routine visit to the nearby temple. My faithful wife has also left
me and gone to the holy abode.

Sometimes I wondered was it worth all this? My father, even after
staying in India , had a house to his name and I too have the same
nothing more.

I lost my parents and children for just ONE EXTRA BEDROOM.

Looking out from the window I see a lot of children dancing.
This damned cable TV has spoiled our new generation and these
children are losing their values and culture because of it. I get
occasional cards from my children asking I am alright. Well at least
they remember me.

Now perhaps after I die it will be the neighbors again who will be
performing my last rights, God Bless them. But the question still
remains 'was all this worth it?'

I am still searching for an answer...... ......... ..!!!

Marvelous answer

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.


The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."


The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.



The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "


The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

.
.
.
.

He said: " Try to do it when the engine is running ".

Bang your Head

Bang ur head on the wall if u don't know the answer.


Recently a company had participated in IIM's Placement Sessions.

They asked some interesting questions to students during recruitment.


Here are some of them:-


************ ********* **

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?


********


2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?


********

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water.


The tide rises at 12 inches every 15minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?


********

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?


********

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?


********

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?


********

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?


********

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?

Same question, but the location is in Canada ?


********

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.


********

10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?


********

11. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?


********

Scroll down for answers..... .......


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1. The word "incorrectly. "


********

2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.


********

3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Googly ;-)


********

4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.


********

5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition.

So... Half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.


********

6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.


********

7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt.


********

8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again.


The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...


********

9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.


********

10. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.


********

11. The temperature.

India:Heaven on Earth

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
The telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He
Could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then traveled to Pakistan , Srilanka , Russia , Germany and France .

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000
Per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to
See if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there
Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read
"One
Rupee per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden
Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to
Heaven,
But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?"

Readers, it is your turn........ Think ....before you scroll down...

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............ ......... ......... ......... ........ ......

............ ......... ......... ......... ........ ......

............ ......... ......... ......... ........ ......

............ ......... ......... ......... ........ ......


The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, Son - it's a
Local Call".
This is the only heaven on the Earth.

Welcome to the corporate world!!

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger that looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nike.

His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?"

I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to run faster than you".

Welcome to the corporate world!!

God Help Him..

A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15 YEARS. HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS AND FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR. WHILE TYING THE GIRL TO THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM. WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE: "LISTEN, THIS GUY'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT, LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK." "IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN, DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS PROBABLY VERY DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG, HONEY.
I LOVE YOU!" TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS, "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, AND THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE. I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN
THE BATHROOM.BE STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU TOO!!"

HEADLINES DATED 1ST JAN 2023

1. President Sonia gandhi and prime minister priyanka gandhi receive italy prime minister rahul gandhi.
2. Dhoom 17 ready for release.
3. I will play next world cup - sachin tendulkar
4. Salman, Vivek and Abhishek attend aishwarya's 3rd marriage.
5. Mein tau aabhi jawan hu - dev anand.
6. Petrol Rs.999/lt.
7. Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi completed 2,50,000 episodes & Baa has completed 400yrs.
8. Coach ganguly resigns, as india went out of world cup in 1st round after losing to korea .
9 N.siddhu will launch his own TV channal where he can speak for a whole day.

Why Newton Committed Suicide

Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.

In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes

1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long Live Rajanikanth!

2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters.
Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife.

Guess, what he does?

He throws the knife at the middle gangster? & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.

3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah? not even in your remotest imaginations.

He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun.
Bang... the gangster dies...

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast!

The 'climax' finally arrives.
Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax.
( Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?)

Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

Uncanny but True

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.


The road to success??.. Is always under construction.



Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.



In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.



All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.



Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.



Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.



If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.



You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.



Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.



As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.



He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.



If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.



Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.



When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.



If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.



Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.



You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.



The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.



After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.



If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.



Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

Honesty is the Best Policy....for sure

One day Kuttappan's dad bought a robot.The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kuttappan returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, " Son why are you late from school?".

Kuttappan answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".

Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Kuttappan on his face.

His dad told him Mone (son) This robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?"

"Dad I went for a movie", " Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments", Splatt Kuttappan got a tight slap on the face from the robot.

" No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen." Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."

Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing all this, Kuttappans mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "Athu pinne enginnenaa, ningalude monealle?" ( After all he is your son, he will be like you), slap @@##!! to which the robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Kuttappans mothers face.

Wanna know more about yourself... So read On...

Learn Something About Yourself. Don't look at the answers at the bottom. Do the test first. This one's a little different everyone. Okay, first get a piece of paper and label it from 1-9. Now remember, you need to take serious thought into these questions!

1. What is your favorite out of these three?
a. cat b. bird c. dog

2. What is your favorite color?
a. pink b. white c. black

3. Name a person of the same sex.
4. Name a person of the opposite sex.

5. Do you like the mountains or the beach better?

6. Do you like to watch the sunrise or the sunset?

7. What's your favorite number from 1-10?

8. What is your favorite plant?
a. red rose b. fern c. a dead one

9. What is your favorite season?
a. Spring b. Winter c. Summer


************************************************************
************************************************************
Okay,
now for the results..........

1. a) cat: you love yourself the most.
b) bird: you like hearing yourself talk.
c) dog: you put others before yourself.

2. a) pink: you're outgoing
b) white: you're classical.
c) black: you're living on the edge.

3. They are your lucky star.

4. You'll become very, very close friends with them.

5. a) mountains: fast paced wedding.
b) beach: slow paced wedding.

6. a) sunrise: you're a morning person and you get more done.
b) sunset: you are romantic and you fall in and out of crushes slowly.

7. The number you picked is how many it will take before you find your true love.

8. a) red rose: your life will be beautiful, but sometimes thorny.
b) fern: your life will be predictable and safe.
c) a dead one: your one sick person

9. a) spring: you're hopelessly romantic.
b) winter: you're a hugging kind of person.
c) summer: you're a bare all kind person.

Heights of PJs

Question : You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 Cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

























Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette

another deadly answer. Scroll down a little

...
...
...
...
...


Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette

If that was not enough, one more deadly answer.... scroll down.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP)

"TIP TIP barsa Pani.

Pani ne aag lagayee."

us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee".
...
...
...
...
...
...

If that was not enough, one more deadly answer.... scroll down








Start praising one cigarette, The other will get jealous & "jalney lagega"



Searching for me.....I am also searching for the person who sent it to me!!!

New IT Age

A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies : "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off." !!!!

Have FAITH

CONFIDENCE:

1 Day all villagers decided to pray for rain.

On the day of prayer all people gathered & only one boy come with umbrella.
THATS CONFIDENCE.

TRUST:

Trust should be like feeling of a 1 year old baby, when you throw him in the
air, he laughs....

Because he know you will catch him...

HOPE:

Every night we go to bed, have no assurance to get up alive in the next morning

But still we have many plans for coming day...

KEEP CONFIDENCE, TRUST IN GOD AND NEVER LOSE HOPE...

Psych Test

Read this question, come up with an answer, and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and she fell in love with him right there but did not ask for his number and no matter how hard she tried she could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

Give this some real thought before you answer.




















































(Scroll Down)













































































Try it. ..... I'm Sure U can get it .... or Scroll Down










































































(Scroll Down)






















































































Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly good for you.

Are you poetic enough?

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming:
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot:
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss:
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other:
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you:
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the
sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace:
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes :
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away:
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell:
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What does your name mean?

Instructions : What you do is find out what each letter of your name means.

Then connect all the meanings and it describes YOU. ( Is'nt it GREAT !!)

If you have double or triple letters, just count the meaning once.

For Example : EKTA

E = You are a very exciting person.

K = You like to try new things.

T = You have an attitude, a big one.

A = You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.

-------------

A = You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.

B = You are always cautious when it comes to meeting newpeople .

C = You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.

D = You have trouble trusting people.

E = You are a very exciting person.

F = Everyone loves you.

G = You have excellent ways of viewing people.

H = You are not judgmental.

I = You are always smiling and making others smile.

J = Jealously

K = You like to try new things.

L = Love is something you deeply believe in.

M = Success comes easily to you.

N = You like to work, but you always want a break.

O = You are very open-minded.

P = You are very friendly and understanding.

Q = You are a hypocrite.

R = You are a social butterfly.

S = You are very broad-minded.

T = You have an attitude, a big one.

U = You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.

V = You have a very good physique and looks.

W = You like your privacy.

X = You never let people tell you what to do.

Y = You cause a lot of trouble.

Z = You're always fighting with someone .

An Interesting Meeting

While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He Asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to Surround him with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate. "

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question:

Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir!"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says Kalam.

He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington , decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test.

Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir.. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.

Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Manmohan Singh!"

A Smart Sardar

A Sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard Iqbal stops him and says, what's in the bags?' 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji. Iqbal says, 'We'll just see about that. Get off the bike. Iqbal's guard takes the bags and rips them apart; empty them out and find nothing in them but sand. He detains the Sardarji overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the Sardarji, puts the sand into new bags, heaves them on to the Sardarji's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you got? 'Sand,' says the Sardarji. Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardarji, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, the Sardarji, doesn't show up and one day and the guard meet him in a 'dhaba' in Islamabad. 'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?' The Sardarji, sips his Lassi and says, 'bikes'. .

Thought for Today...

Coal in a coal mine emerges as a Diamond,
when it remains under heavy pressure for thousands of years...

So if you are feeling that you are under heavy work pressure,
it doesn't mean you are going to come out as a Diamond,
it actually means that you are working in a coal mine...

Did You Know????

Yahoo!

Its All About Love


The word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his book Gulliver's Travels. It represents a person who is repulsive in appearance and action and is barely human. Yahoo! founders Jerry Yang and David Filo selected the name because they considered themselves yahoos ie.. it stands for
Y et Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle





Xerox

Its All About Love


The Greek root "xer" means dry. The inventor, Chestor Carlson, named his product Xerox as it was dry copying, markedly different from the then prevailing wet copying.








Sun Microsystems

Its All About Love


Founded by four Stanford University buddies, Sun is the acronym for Stanford University Network.








Sony

Its All About Love


From the Latin word 'sonus' meaning sound, and 'sonny' a slang used by Americans to refer to a bright youngster.








SAP

Its All About Love


"Systems, Applications, Products in Data Processing", formed by four ex-IBM employees who used to work in the 'Systems/Applications/Projects' group of IBM.





Red Hat

Its All About Love


Company founder Marc Ewing was given the Cornell lacrosse team cap (with red and white stripes) while at college by his grandfather. He lost it and had to search for it desperately. The manual of the beta version of Red Hat Linux had an appeal to readers to return his Red Hat if found by anyone!










Oracle

Its All About Love


Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting project for the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA). The code name for the project was called Oracle (the CIA saw this as the system to give answers to all questions or something such).








Motorola

Its All About Love


Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company started manufacturing radios for cars. The popular radio company at the time was called Victrola.








Microsoft

Its All About Love


It was coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened Micro-Soft, the '-' was removed later on.








Lotus

Its All About Love


Mitch Kapor got the name for his company from the lotus position or 'padmasana.' Kapor used to be a teacher of Transcendental Meditation of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.








Intel

Its All About Love


Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company ' Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain, so they had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.








Hewlett-Packard

Its All About Love


Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.








Hotmail

Its All About Love


Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing email via the web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of names ending in 'mail' and finally settled for Hotmail as it included the letters "html" - the programming language used to write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective upper casings.










Google

Its All About Love


The name started as a jockey boast about the amount of information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros. After founders - Stanford graduate students Sergey Brin and Larry Page presented their project to an angel investor, they received a cheque made out to 'Google








Cisco

Its All About Love


The name is not an acronym but an abbreviation of San Francisco . The company's logo reflects its San Francisco name heritage. It represents a stylized Golden Gate Bridge .



Apple Computers



Its All About Love


Favourite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened his employees to suggest a name forhis company by 5 o'clock .as noone came forward with a name & clock ticks 5, he was having apple in his hand & hence he named it as APPLE










Apache

Its All About Love


It got its name because its founders got started by applying patches to code written for NCSA's httpd daemon. The result was 'A PAtCHy' server - thus, the name Apache.

New Age IT Wife....

*Dear Tech Support Team:
***

*
***

* Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
***

*
***

*
***

* I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that
***

* took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
***

* In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
***

* monitors all other system activities.
***

*
***

*
***

* Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3 , Cricket 5.0 , BeerWithBuddies
***

* 7.5 , and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever
***

* selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting
***

* to run my favorite applications.
***

*
***

*
***

* I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall '
***

* doesn't work on Wife 1.0 .
***

*
***

*
***

* Please help!
***

*
***

*
***

* Thanks,
***

* "A Troubled User "
***

*
***

*
***

* REPLY:
***

*
***

* By Experienced Person Dealing such matter since 3.5 yrs.
***

* This is only 'RAM BAAN'.
***

*
***

*
***

* Dear Troubled User:
***

*
***

*
***

* This is a very common problem that people complain about.
***

*
***

*
***

* Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is
***

* just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
***

* Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
***

* EVERYTHING !!!
***

*
***

*
***

* It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
***

*
***

*
***

* It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system
***

* once installed.
***

*
***

*
***

* You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to
***

* allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child
***

* Support) ..
***

*
***

*
***

* I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
***

*
***

*
***

* I suggest installing the background application " Yes Dear" to alleviate
***

* software augmentation.
***

*
***

*
***

* The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
***

* ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
***

* will return to normal anyway.
***

*
***

*
***

* Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
***

* Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5 , Sweep
***

* 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use
***

* these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
***

* NagNag 9.5 .
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*
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*
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* Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is
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* to purchase additional software. I recommend Dress 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
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*
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*
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* STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWith
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* Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will
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* cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
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*
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*
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* Best of luck
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* Tech Support ..... *

Joke for the Day

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced the altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 ft. above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an Engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems."

How to Recruit Right Person for the JOB

1. Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.



2- Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.


3- Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.



Now, watch this .....



If they are counting the bricks.

Put them in the accounts department.





If they are recounting them.. Put them in auditing.





If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks...Put them in engineering.





If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order...Put them in planning.





If they are throwing the bricks at each other...Put them in operations.





If they are sleeping...Put them in security.





If they have broken the bricks into pieces...Put them in information technology.





If they are sitting idle...Put them in human resources.





If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved... Put them in sales.





If they have already left for the day...Put them in marketing.





If they are staring out of the window...Put them on strategic planning.





And then last but not least...If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved...Congratulate them and put them in Top management.

LAW OF THE GARBAGE TRUCK

LAW OF THE GARBAGE TRUCK - Let the garbage go by.

By David J. Pollay

How often do you let other people's nonsense change your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? Unless you're the Terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your heels.

However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly she can get back her focus on what's important.

Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here's what happened.

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when all of a sudden, and I mean without warning, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded and missed the other car's back end by just inches.

Here's what happened next. The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. How do I know? Ask any New Yorker, some words in New York come with a special face.

Now, here's what blew me away. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly. So, I said, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you.

When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You'll be happy you did. I guarantee it.

So this was it: The "Law of the Garbage Truck." I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets? It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore."

Well now "I see Garbage Trucks." I see the load they're carrying. I see them coming to drop it off.
And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.

One of my favorite Football players of all time, Walter Payton, did this every day on the football field. He would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground after being tackled. He never dwelled on a hit. Payton was ready to make the next play his best. Good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting. Good parents know that they have to welcome their children home from school with hugs and kisses.

Leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present, and at their best for the people they care about.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let Garbage Trucks take over their day. What about you? What would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by?

Here's my bet. You'll be happier. I guarantee it.

Mithun's Amazing Dialogues

" Mera naam hai suraj, truck driver suraj" " Bheegi hui cigarette jal nahi sakti.....
aur yeh tay hai ki teri maut ki taarikh tal nahi sakti "---!!!!!!!! "Tere Naam ka kutaa palu sale !!!!" '.......Naam hai Sankar ..... aur hoon mein Gunda No. 1'----??????????? "Apuun ka naam hai HEERA,
Apuun ne sab ko Cheera..." (wah wah.....) kala shetty: "kaun hai be tu?"
Mithun da: "mai hoon tum jaise logon se nafarat karne wala, garibon ke liye jyoti, gundon ke liye jwala "tuze banake maut ka niwala, tere sinemein gaad dunga mai maut ka bhala.dekh lenga tereko salaa." (what a poetry!!!!!) kyunki ab mein Indrajeet nahi......chandaal hoon tum chaho toh mera program note karlo .tum sab meri diary mein mar chuke ho!mein chahoo toh tum sabko abhi mar sakta hoon magar abhi maarne se tumhe maarne ka credit meri bullet ko mil jayega!!!! ----------------( kya logic hain!!!!!!!!!,superb!) Main hoon Do Numbri, ek se jyaada, teen se kam Dikhne mein bevda, bhaagne mein ghoda, aur maarne mein hathoda ....-----------( amazing ) Mantriji:- "Ye kanch bullretproof hai.
tum mujhe chu bhi nahi sakte"
Mithun Da:-"Ye kanch bulletproof hai magar patthhar proof nahi"
AND HE BREAKS IT BY THROWING STONES ON THE GLASS.------------Great no???? "DUSHMANO KI LAASHON PAR BHANGRA KARNE WALA KABHI LANGDA NAHIN HOTA"-----" Koi Shaq..?? "

Search Engine

Many of you must be using various search engines like google, yahoo, altavista, ask etc. Heres a new search engine for any information specific to India that you require. Try it out. Easy to install as a toolbar in your explorer and if you don't like then easy to uninstall.

Heres the link:

http://contest.guruji.com/
download.php?refid=b0c7ae2316c7e8214fd659e4bc8a0dea

A Faithful Wife...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.


One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, " You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.


When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?" "What dear?", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Be Careful Whom U Call

A Husband makes a Call to Hospital to enquire about his pregnant wife. But accidentally the call went to a cricket stadium. He asked what is the condition. He died after what he heard. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .. . . . .. .

Guess What would be the reply ....

It is ... 7 are already out.

3 More will be out hopefully by lunch. and.................................


The first one was a DUCK.

Here's Another One

This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing...... She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed!

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

Joke for the Day

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Clinton should say," I'm fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you."It looks quite simple, but the truth is....When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?" instead of "How are you". Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I'm Hilary's husband, ha-ha...." Then Mori replied "Me too, ha-ha..."Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.