ALCOHOL EFFECTS AND REMEDIES....

1. Symptom: Cold and and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.

2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

Who shot the LIONESS?

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkups.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling.

" I've never been better," the old man replied." I've got a twenty-year-old bride who's pregnant & is about to deliver a child.
What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then says, " Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting.But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun ".

The doctor continued, " So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.

BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him .."

That's impossible !" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion.
“Exactly" Said the Doc...

School Bus is going right or left?

Which way is the bus below travelling?

To the left or to the right?




Can't make up your mind?

Look carefully at the picture again.

Still don't know?


Primary school children all over the UK were shown this picture and asked the same question.

90% of them gave this answer:

"The bus is travelling to the right."

When asked, "Why do you think the bus is travelling to the right?"

They answered:

"Because you can't see the door to get on the bus."

Police Cars

Rainman

Parking Problems...heres the solution

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys of a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"

The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on .

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Naughty mind....High expectations

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times..........huh......MY GOD!!)

American Pakistani

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York.Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:
"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog"

Life After Death

Manager said to an employee:
"Do you believe in life after Death?"

EMPLOYEE:
"Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.

MANAGER:
"Well, there is now.After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you !!

The White House Contractor

Three contractors . . . one from India, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A senior White House official takes them to examine it.

The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will cost $900 . .. . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."

The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official incredulously says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work!"

Disorder in US Courts

Following are excerpts, from a book called, " Disorder in the American Courts ". These excerpts are of statements, that people actually said in court. These are published " Word-by-word " by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm, while these exchanges were actually taking place ........

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact ?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks !

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all ?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what way does it affect your memory ?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget ? Can you give us an example of something, that you forgot ?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, " Where am I, Cathy ? "
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you ?
WITNESS: My name is Susan !

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning ?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam ?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he ?
WITNESS: Uh ....... he's twenty-one !

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken ?
WITNESS: Are you nuts ?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right ?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys ?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls ?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney ?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated ?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated ?
WITNESS: Now whose death, do you suppose terminated it ?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual ?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female ?
WITNESS: Come on ....... you guess !

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney ?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work !

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people ?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that ?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK ? What school did you go to ?
WITNESS: Oral !

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body ?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time ?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering ....... why I was doing an autopsy on him !

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample ?
WITNESS: Huh ....... are you qualified to ask that question ?

-- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse ?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing ?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive, when you began the autopsy ?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor ?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar !
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been technically alive, nevertheless ?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been " Technically " alive and " Technically " practicing law !!!

What is a WC?

In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an
English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay
in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was
concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a
bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for "Water Closet".

She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he
knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of
the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a
"Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their
minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles
from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees,
surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and
is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in
the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however,
plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially
if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest
to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she
met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in
every seat. It was wonderful to see the ex-pressions on their faces.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been
almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and
make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and
arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a
Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are
excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel
it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and
seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster

12 Signs u LOVE Someone

TWELVE:
When you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang up, you still miss them even when it was just two minutes ago.


ELEVEN:
You walk really slow when you're with them.


TEN:
You feel shy whenever they're around.


NINE:
You smile when you hear their voice.


EIGHT:
When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.


SIX:
They're all you think about.


FIVE:
You realize you're always smiling when you're looking at them.


FOUR:
You would do anything for them, just to see them.


THREE:
While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.


TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that person, you didn't notice number seven was missing


ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself

Time is Money

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with Rs 86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day; allows you to keep no cash balance; every night deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do with such an account Draw out every penny, of course!!!

Every one of us has such a 'bank'. Its name is TIME. Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off as lost whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.

Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against tomorrow. You must live in the present -on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!

The clock is running. Make the most of today!!!

Award Winning Cartoons:OSCARS

Affairs of a Different Nature

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. 'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cre mated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' shed, 'pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of w ine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here. '

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'

Miracle of Nature

This is a miracle tree..., look at it and try to see... beyond what you see. If u don't understand then... see the second picture....

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to his floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

"Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!"

Amazing Photography

Driving Styles-London,Italy,India,Boston,Sydney

One Hand On Steering Wheel,
One Hand Out Of Window…
You Are in SYDNEY …

************ ********* ********* *********

One Hand On Steering Wheel,
One Hand On Horn…
You Are in JAPAN …

************ ********* ********* *********

One Hand On Steering Wheel,
One Hand On Newspaper,
Foot Solidly On Accelerator…
You Are in BOSTON …

************ ********* ********* *********

Both Hands On Steering Wheel,
Eyes Shut,
Both Feet On Brake,
Quivering In Terror
You Are in NEW YORK …

************ ********* ********* *********

Both Hands In Air,
Gesturing,
Both Feet On Accelerator,
Head Turned To Talk To Someone In Back Seat…
You Are in ITALY …

************ ********* ********* *********

One Hand On Horn,
One Hand On Holding Gear,
One Ear Listening To Loud Music,
One Ear On Cell Phone,
One Foot On Accelerator,
One Foot On Clutch,
Nothing On Break,
Eyes On Females In Next Car,

WELCOME TO INDIA

Never LIE to ur WIFE....................

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll like the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box"

2008 Buell Ligthning CityX XB9SX

Cool IT cartoons 2

Cool IT cartoons

2019 CRICKET WORLD CUP NEWS

India failed to defeat Afghanistan in the world cup qualifier in the Asia -Pacific zone

Coach sehwag said that he is not worried bcoz he has backing of selectors, captain and board....and that they had won a close match against Papua new guinea just 2 yrs ago

Rahul Dravid,the coach of new zealand team said that Sachin should now consider retiring gracefully and let his son take over the captaincy

mahender singh dhoni broke ajit agarkars record of most no of conecutive ducks in twenty 20

saurav ganguly, the coach of england feels that the boys need to control their emotions on the field

the current leading man from bollywood bret lee advices ms dhoni to take upacting as well

Minnows Pakistan beat Ireland in a close match...and thus they avanged their defeat in the 2007 WC against the then minnows ireland

Inzamam ul haq, who was the captain of the losing team and now the present coach said in a press interview that
"Boys plays well...they try hard...inshallah we wins the world cup"

The police arrested 8 ppl for voilence after England and NZ match...
Investigations revealed that these ppl were members of Dravid and Ganguly fan communities on Orkut which have 623241516 and 126542 members respectively.

the Indian cricket board led by president Rahul Gandhi has called for an emergency meeting to discuss future course of action ..former players like yuvraj singh, md kaif,vvs laxman and kumble have been invited...coach sehwag and captain Tendulkar will present a report...

vvs laxman today created a new controversy by saying that he expected a written apology from Rahul gandhi for including him in the category of former players....he said that he has improved his fielding and fitness and wants to play 2023 WC in Brazil


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joke for Today:Italian Surprise

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked. "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said
"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

Survivor Series 1

Here is a puzzle for you

Imagine you are in Hwange. You have been tied hanging on a tree with a rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.



Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact, there is no one around to help you. The only possible way is to somehow convince the lion to BLOW the candle out. How do you do that?

Scroll down for answer...

Sing Happy Birthday.

Black or White:The secrets of Nature

African Safari-How to hide an Elephant

One Line Humour....

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

[28] Never marry a person to whom you love most. Marry a person who loves you most.

[29] Best solution to remember your wife's birthday for life long period, forget it once.

[30] Clever wife spent all the money of her husband, so that he can't spent it on the other lady.

[31] Driving after drinks is a crime, still every bar has a parking lot.

Free Pdf Converter

TCS, Wipro, IBM ????????

TCS, Wipro, IBM ????????