ManU defeat Barca 1-0

Sir Alex Ferguson expressed his delight for Paul Scholes at finally getting the chance to end his Champions League pain in the 1-0 victory over Barcelona.

It was only Scholes' second goal of the campaign and his first in Europe for over 18 months but it means so much to a club Ferguson is convinced has not punched its weight in Europe for too long.

Lessons in Life

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear, but what we are inside. So, try going out without clothes tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world! That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affair. When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

8. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow & sure!

9. Only 20 percent girls have brains, rest have boyfriends!

10. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!

11. When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart, When tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
Eh Ganpat, chal daru la…

I want Divorce..............

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

Harbhajan slaps Sreesanth

India's ace spinner Harbhajan Singh, who has been in the news for all wrong reasons, yet again did it. Harbhajan allegedly slapped Sreesanth after the IPL match between Kings XI Punjab and Mumbai Indians at Mohali. Sreesanth was seen crying after the match. He was consoled by the teammates. Kings XI skipper Yuvraj Singh and coach Tom Moody confirmed the news. Moody went to the extent of saying that Harbhajan's behavior is intolerable.

Latest reports suggest that Harbhajan later went to the dressing room and apologised to Sreesanth. But Harbhajan is unlikely to escape the BCCI hammer. It would be interesting to see the consequences of this deplorable incident. Kings XI have launched a forma complaint against Harbhajan to IPL match referee.

HOW TO BREAK BAD NEWS

At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the...!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."

Manchester United Squanders Opportunity

BARCELONA, Spain (April 23) - Cristiano Ronaldo missed an early penalty Wednesday, and Manchester United missed its chance to leave Barcelona with an important away goal after a 0-0 draw in the Champions League.

Ronaldo's penalty, which went wide in the second minute of the first leg of the semifinals, could haunt the two-time champions when they host Barcelona in the second leg next Tuesday at Old Trafford.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure for the following reasons:

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant

In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant

In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!

LOVE

LOVE

Grandma in Court

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."

God Bless

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Lizzy Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"

Women are Complicated

Secret to Successful Marriage

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".

Editor: "Sir. It's amazing and unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride.
After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!

I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal.
Are you crazy?" .
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."

Husband: "That's it. We are happily married ever after. "

Who needs prayers?

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the
bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a
date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"